The End

Today marks the end of my current saga. I know I have been non-communicative without almost everyone, and most of you are in the dark as to what's happened since Monday. I felt everyone deserved to know the end of our story.

Of course, I can't miss the opportunity to tell the last of my New Hope stories. I called and emailed New Hope on Monday with the news of the ultrasound, and I asked for them to create a requisition so I could go to Emory and have the confirming ultrasound there. I can't go to Emory without their requisition since I'm not actually working with a Dr. at Emory and they are simply providing outside monitoring for New Hope. And guess what? They never called. You would think when you get a message that says, "My baby has no heartbeat and I need a requisition for an ultrasound to confirm this," they would react. But they did not.

I had made a 7:30am appt at Emory (early enough that Greg could come) on Tuesday, but of course since they never called I had to cancel it. I figured I would have to harass/stalk them and try for Wednesday. However, Tuesday around noon an email from Daniela (the secretary) arrived in my gmail account with a requisition for an ultrasound for that day. She also said someone would be calling me within the next few hours. Well, amazingly Emory was able to get me an ultrasound appointment for that day at such late notice, and not amazingly nobody from New Hope called me.

Since Greg could not come Tuesday afternoon, I had my dear friend Sandra come with me. She brought her 3 kids and waited in the waiting room while I had the confirming ultrasound. She was there waiting for me with a shoulder to cry on when I returned. I did not expect any miracles; I knew what the ultrasound would be, but of course it was still difficult to hear. The fetal pole measured at 6 wks and 2 days. 11 days previously at my first ultrasound it had measured at 6 wks and 3 days. I think right after we saw the heartbeat it died. It clearly never grew beyond that.

Around 7pm on Tuesday night I received a call from Drama Queen Matt who sounded panicked. He said, "Yes, this is Matt...what is going on?" I said, "What do you mean, what's going on?" He said, "I just got an email from you about an ultrasound." I said, "My email from yesterday?" He said, "I guess so. But I just got it. What is this about no heartbeat." I said, "Well Matt, there's no heartbeat. The baby never grew."

And this is my favorite part--Matt said, "I am very sorry to hear that. But we want you to continue your medication and do another ultrasound in a week to confirm." I said, "No, I'm done. I had a confirming ultrasound today. There is no heartbeat. The baby didn't grow in over 11 days. We don't need anymore confirmation." He started telling me it was protocol to wait a week and blah, blah, blah and I finally said, "Look Matt, it's over. The baby is dead." Only then did he seem to understand. We argued for a long time about how he wanted me to continue taking progesterone, and me pretending to agree, and him being able to tell I was lying, and me finally admitting I hadn't taken it since Sunday, and him getting upset about that and blah, blah, blah. He finally gave up trying to convince me and said he would look at the ultrasound and call me back as soon as possible on Wednesday.

The next morning (Wed) at 9am Juany called. She said, "I understand you are going to have an ultrasound today from the same place you had your original ultrasound to confirm a miscarriage." I said, "No, I had that ultrasound yesterday. Your assistant sent me a requisition yesterday, I had the ultrasound, and I faxed it to you." She hadn't seen the fax (and Matt hadn't seen the fax either the previous night). She said she would find the fax and have Dr. Zhang confirm the miscarriage. She said she would call back that morning.

That was Wednesday at 9am. She still hasn't called back. New Hope has such a funny definition of "morning". Matt has also never called back. Again, another funny definition of "immediately the next day". They are hilarious!

In the meantime, I also faxed the Emory ultrasound to Dr. Carter, my new OB who so beautifully handled our situation on Monday morning. She confirmed the miscarriage yesterday for me and told me that of course I don't need to continue taking progesterone. She also did my D&C this afternoon.

I wasn't expecting to do the D&C today. I figured it would be on Friday because as of yesterday it wasn't scheduled, and Dr. Carter will be on vacation all next week. However, a nurse woke me up this morning telling me it was scheduled and I needed to be at the hospital in 2 hours. SURPRISE! I do love surprises.

I know some of you are wondering why I needed a D&C. My pregnancy was labeled as a "missed abortion," meaning the baby had died but my body did not abort the baby naturally. This was probably due to the fact that I have been on progesterone since before the IVF transfer, and progesterone stabilizes your uterus to prevent miscarriage. It could have taken weeks, maybe even a month, for my body to recognize the fetus was dead, especially considering the fact that all of my hormone levels still indicated I was pregnant. Dr. Carter recommended that I not wait for my body to abort naturally, because there is always a risk of infection the longer you wait. The D&C they did today was suction only, and therefore there was no risk of scarring from scraping. I felt confident this was the best option for me and am very happy I did it this way.

Dr. Carter and the nurses who worked with me today could not have been more loving, compassionate, or supportive. I was surrounded by women who deeply empathized, many admitting their own stories of miscarriage. I was in good hands, and they made the entire process bearable.

There were no complications with the surgery. I was given twilight anesthesia and was unconscious during the D&C. Everything went smoothly, and the nurse told Greg who was in the waiting room that I was recovering beautifully physically. She said however I was having a difficult time emotionally (I'm sure Greg was not surprised). Just like my D&C in New York, there is a block of time that I have no memory of but in which I was talking to the people around me and expressing concerns and needs. For example, the first thing I remember waking up from the surgery today was the nurse asking me if I was still cramping. I said, "How did you know I was cramping?" She said, "Because you told me." And then I realized I was crying, hard. I'm not sure if I had already been crying, or if I started at that moment, but I had a wonderful purging cry for the rest of my recovery in the operating room, all the way back to the recovery room (being wheeled in my bed, tears streaming down my face) and a little while longer once Greg was by my side. And then I was done.

I recovered quickly. Twilight anesthesia (also called MAC) is much easier to recover from than general anesthesia. I had no nausea, and I got to go home and eat 4 pieces of pizza. All I wanted was Papa John's pizza, and Greg got it for me. :) I also got me some Perkoset, and life is always good with a little Perkoset. I'm sure it's worn off now, and I am not in any pain. I am feeling good.

Today marked 9 weeks. I am glad I was able to have the D&C today, because I didn't want to continue being pregnant any longer when it was just a "sham". Dr. Carter said it will take a few weeks to recover hormonally, but I am looking forward to getting my life back, and my body back, and moving forward.

For now, Greg and I have decided to take a break from fertility treatments. It has been a rigorous year, starting with Clomid last December, moving into IUI's in the spring, and culminating in my most recent saga. I was doing the math today, and I think I have had an ultrasound and/or bloodwork for the last 9 months. I have not had a single month off. Greg and I want to live normal lives again, and want to enjoy just being together.

I have to say, this blog was one of my lifelines through this entire IVF process. I couldn't have asked for a better support group. Thank you for all you've done for me and Greg.

Love you all!

The End